Red bumps & humpback

There are 2 things that point out I’m fat. One are the red bumps on the back of my arms and 2 the humpback bump at the top of my back… A friend of mine who was also a big girl, pointed this out. When she weighed in over 300 pounds she pointed out that one thing fat people have in common are the red dots on the back of very large arms and the hump right at the top of their backs.

I had never paid that close attention, but once pointed out I noticed them. I love my friend but I was like seriously? One other thing about my fat body that I have to be conscious of and/or hate… However, on the flip side I just looked in the mirror and my humpback is gone and the red dots have been erased! This new job is literally wearing me down! Last time I went to Kansas City, everyone commented that I was losing weight. Seeing the pictures I disagree, I feel like Moby Dick but people were stating that they noticed a difference. Tonight when I looked in the mirror I noticed the hump was gone, so I looked at my arms and felt them and nope, no dots. I looked in the mirror and while there was a ghost of color on the back of my arms the dots were for the most part gone!

Does this mean despite the boredom and emotional eating since I’m running my butt off and taking my meds like I’m supposed to I’m losing weight? I’m going to assume yes since these 2 minute details have gone away. Well hopefully it’s not a figment of my imagination.

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Boring…

Well it’s Saturday night and I’m watching my DVR… I did go to the quilt shop today. I bought some more fabric, big shocker right? So tomorrow I’m gonna clean up the camper and hopefully I’ll get it done quick enough that I can sew on my granddaughters quilt. Then I will suck it up and finish my friends t-shirt quilt that I’ve been sitting on for more than year. I don’t know why, but for some reason I keep pushing it aside. My poor friend has been so patient.

I’ve been in Louisiana for about 4 months now. I’m starting to feel more at home here. Not totally but I’m feeling better. I’m still lonely as hell, but if I don’t get out I’m never gonna meet anyone. Even the lady at the quilt shop today stated that I could attend one of the classes or retreats to meet some people. She said that even one of the employees there came from the Midwest… So maybe I’ll be able to have some fun.

I was pretty productive today, I mean it’s been awhile since I’ve gotten out and run some errands. But I did manage to get my jewelry turned in to get sized, I also got my car cleaned, I changed cell phone carriers to save some money and I got went to the quilt store. I also stopped and had some mexican food for lunch. I mean Kansas City has more Mexican restaurants than any other kind so for a while I was sooooo tired of Mexican food. But coming down here it’s all about the Cajun food. I mean everything is super spicy, it’s all about the Cajun seasoning. So I totally missed the Mexican fiesta, I stopped in and had a pretty good meal.

Ok well I’m not sure if this entry made any sense, but I think I’m done for now.

Weird thought…

It’s Saturday night and I’m sitting in my friends bedroom in Texas, watching a movie. I came to Houston for the weekend, to spend time with my “sister”, finish her quilt and hang out. We went and saw the 50 Shades of Grey movie, very good by the way. Since those books came out I’ve been into them… The books are great, when the movies started coming out I was like awesome! The hubby went to the first one with me and a friend. The 2nd movie he refused to attend, so I went with my BFF that attended the 1st movie and now since I’m no longer in Kansas City, I have attended the movie with my “sister” friend.

I find it hilarious that I’m attending a relationship/sex movie with my friend and not my husband. Because quite frankly those movies make me want to go home, snuggle with the hubby and do other adult naughty things (wink, wink). So why do I torture myself you ask? I have no earthly idea. I mean I am movieaholic through and through, but since the move I haven’t been to the movies, which is strange for me.

I lay here watching this movie with my “sister” friend who is the other half of my brain. Her hubby and my hubby took us as a package deal. We haven’t lived closer than 800 miles in 20 years, yet we talk every day, usually several times a day. Now that I live in Louisiana we are a mere 3 and half hours away from eachother. I’ve seen her more in the last 4 months than I’ve seen her in the last 4 years.

I know I’m taking the scenic route to my point, but here it is… I feel like I can’t have both my husband and my “sister” friend at the same time. Like I can only have one or the other??? Does that make sense? Currently hubby is in Pennsylvania for a week of training, he went a day or 2 early to spend time with his sister. Hopefully after training is complete I’ll see him more often because he’ll be down here more for work. I’m trying to keep the boo hooing to a minimum because I went back through and read my last few entries and I was like seriously? I was being consistently pathetic. So I was trying to stop that.

Redundant…

Ok the other night I took my meds and started to feel nostaligic as I was getting ready for bed. So what did I do? I’m glad you asked, I blogged and then I went back and reread previous blogs. Then I realized that I haven’t done anything but whine and complain about being here alone and not seeing the hubby. So I apologize for sounding like a broken record for the last 2 months. I guess it’s a blessing in disguise that I haven’t written much because there would be a lot more blogs whining about the same darn thing every time.

I was so mortified after rereading previous blogs that I almost pulled everything back up and apologized about the whining. But I figured one entry for that particular day was enough. So I’ve spent the last 2 days trying to pull myself up out of the dumps… I can’t believe how hard it is also how easy it is to fall back into the old patterns. What I mean by that earlier this evening I pulled out my crocheting, which I haven’t touched in weeks and put in an old movie and crocheted for a bit this evening. Then when I started getting ready for bed, I started sliding back into the dump and I was like really??? Now I have to start whining to my hubby? Ugh! I’m sick of it! But what do I do? I could call my friend, but it’s just not the same… I mean she tries to understand but unless you live with someone who travels like my hubby it’s really hard to understand.

Hopefully I’ll get over this infection soon, so I can venture forth and try and find something to expand my horizons…

I hate being sick!

I’ve been to Urgent Care twice in 2 weeks and at the beginning of the year not having met my deductible it’s been torture! The first visit I was diagnosed with a bacterial infection and the 2nd time I was diagnosed with an upper respitory infection.

I’m sitting here on my bed sucking on the most vile lozenge ever made wishing my husband was home. Why is it that when I’m not feeling good or I’m tired, I miss my husband the most? Ever since I’ve moved I only get to see him maybe once a month and frankly that’s just not enough for me. I suck at long distance relationships. I don’t know how people do this for years at a time. I mean I’ve been doing it for 10 weeks and I’m miserable.

I think the saying when it rains it’s pours got it’s meaning from times like this. When I’m sick, I get sad and depressed. I wonder why? I mean seriously? Don’t I have enough to deal with being sick?

Well Happy New Year!

Strange Choices

I know I haven’t written in a while, it’s been a crazy transition. My schedule is insane, I’m working twice as hard to maintain the same paycheck… I’m all by my lonesome and my boss loves to take advantage of that.

I was just thinking that for someone (I’m referring to myself) who is seriously afraid of being alone, the reasons behind that are for another day. But anyway, I’m afraid of being alone with no friends, no family, no man… And despite that fear, I married a field service engineer. For the last 2 years he’s only been home Friday night, Saturday & Sunday. Usually he’s so exhausted then when he gets home on Friday night, he falls asleep within the hour. Now that I’ve moved to Louisiana by myself, I see my husband maybe once a month and if I’m lucky for more than 2 days, but usually not even that long. I’ve started referring to him as my Army Reserves husband, you know? One weekend a month and 2 weeks out of the year. We chuckled, but honestly that’s more true than not.

I thought that I wasn’t afraid of change, but it turns out that it’s harder than I thought. When I lost my job in KC, I was devastated, but I was elated to find this job in Louisiana because it killed 2 birds with one stone, I was able to keep my job at AT&T and I was getting out of the rut that is Kansas City. But now that I’m out of Kansas City, I miss my friends, family and even the job that I had. Especially since there is a person from my old office who has managed to keep her position. It’s a weird story that would be hard to explain here. But it makes me jealous that she is continuing to get paid, to do our old job. Because of her issues, she will probably not get a job offer, therefore allowing her to stay. If I had tried that I would’ve been offered a job I didn’t want thereby negating my ability to stay there… It doesn’t make me feel better, but again I ask did I have any other choice?

I had no idea that as a person who fears being alone, I’ve made choices that make me alone more than anyone I know. I will say that all this alone time, I’m starting to get used to it. But I still get lonely almost daily, I lay in my bed and wish that my husband was with me. When he moves down here, at least I’ll go back to seeing him on the weekends…

So keep your fingers crossed that they find my hubby’s replacement and he’s able to move to Louisiana so he can move back in with me.

Holidays…

The holidays have arrived! Today is Christmas Day. I just got home from Little Rock, AR. I drove up there Friday night to spend the weekend and Christmas Day with my husband who I hadn’t seen since Thanksgiving. We stayed in a hotel, for 3 days and frankly it lacked the holiday cheer and/or spirit. We ventured out one day to watch a movie and it was a zoo!!! We were both a little cranky that day so the evening didn’t end well, but otherwise everything was ok.

Christmas Eve came and we spent the afternoon and evening watching every horrible Christmas movie we could find on Netflix. This morning hubby wanted to leave early, so he set an alarm and woke up unbearably early… He proceeded to cook me breakfast. It was very sweet. We ended up watching 1 last horrible movie and left a little later than we planned. Each time we get together, I love it. Each time we have to leave, it tears me up. I’m not cut out for long distance relationships. As it is I’ve been teasing my husband that because of his job I’m a “reserves” wife. You know the commercial for the Army reserves? One weekend a month and 2 weeks a year? Well since his job is so busy, he’s gone Monday through Friday and I only get to see him on weekends, prior to the move. Which equates to 1 week a month. So I get 12 weeks out of the year with my husband. Now because of the move and the fact his company is making him stay in KC till a replacement is found, I don’t even get the 1 week a month with him. It’s tearing me up, let me tell you. Now that holidays are pretty much over when will I get to see my hubby?

It’s pretty lonely down here, my boss is taking advantage of the fact that the hubby hasn’t moved yet… So I’ve been working a lot of OT. Next month is my birthday, hubby has a work meeting in Miami that weekend, so I’m going to fly out & meet him… Beyond that there isn’t any holidays coming up that we can use to get together. I’m starting to panic a little.

I will say this, I at least made it through this Christmas without my kids and my other friends and family. I did FaceTime my youngest granddaughter and the funniest thing was her being shy with a phone. My oldest granddaughter has the flu and she was asleep so I didn’t get to FaceTime her, maybe tomorrow.

I just want to say Merry Christmas to everyone and I hope everyone had a happy holiday.

Nightmares…

I hate nightmares, but then again who likes them? I was having a bad dream, thankfully I was awakened by my full bladder. Why is it that when you’re having the best dream ever, you never remember it? And if it’s interrupted you can’t go back to it? But as in the case of this nightmare, it’s playing on a loop in my head and is in past experience as soon as I lay back down, the nightmare will pick up right where it left off?

So here I am at 5:30 a.m. on a Sunday sitting in bed, blogging about nightmares, in the hopes to dissipate the bad feelings I’m having and also hopefully allowing myself the luxury of going back to sleep momentarily and not starting right back up where I left off. My Lord, was that what they call a run on sentence?

I’m very tired, my eyes are full of “sleep” you know the goop that develops in yours eyes. And I’m hoping that using my tablet won’t wake me up enough to not go back to sleep. I wonder why the good is so hard to attain and the bad so easy to retain?I mean seriously?

Is this the equivalent of telling mommy all about it? I wouldn’t know because my mom died when I was 7 and my Grandmother would not tolerate getting woke up in the middle of the night, so after my mom died if I woke up scared in the middle of the night I didn’t have anyone to go to I would literally sit shaking in my bed, till I fell back to sleep.

Well hopfully this works, good night.

Sprained ankle…

I can’t believe it! I was walking downstairs, yes in my RV I have an upstairs. But I digress, I was walking downstairs and stepped on my shoes and rolled my ankle. Normally as someone who works in an office you would think that it’s not a big deal, but at my new job the call center is huge and my job requires me to run back and forth (sigh).

Also I now live in southern Louisiana about 20 miles from the Gulf of Mexico and can you believe the temps are going to drop down to freezing and they are talking about snow flurries on Friday!!! I mean seriously? I couldv’e stayed in KC for this type of weather.

It’s cold and rainy, my ankle hurts and I’m seriously low on propane, hopefully I won’t run out before this weekend, otherwise I’m going to have depend on the space heaters for heat. Ugh! I need to beat the negativity out of myself! I am in a new place, new people to meet, new places to go so why am I so tired & depressed? I can’t see after dark and since it gets dark at 4:30 it cuts my exploring time in half… I’m waiting for the 21st of this month so I can go to the eye doctor, hopefully someone new will be able to help me so I can see after dark.

Also I tried to buy Louisiana t-shirts in the local Wal-Mart and there was not 1 local t-shirt to be found??? I mean every other Wal-Mart I’ve ever been in has the local sports teams at the least. Then I tried on Amazon, found my hubby a football shirt that I am considering buying for a Christmas gift, but I was also looking for souvenir t-shirts for my granddaughters but nope nothing! Jeez!

Well my current dilemma is Christmas. I’ve been talking to my hubby and he’s been talking about meeting halfway between Lafayette and KC and moving more stuff down to LA. Then doing the same thing on New Year’s Eve as well. But my friend in Houston wants me to come and spend Christmas with them. I only have a miniscule amount of vacation left till the end of the year. But I also have FMLA I just haven’t dared to use it because I’m in a new position, well that’s another story for another time, I need to take a shower and get ready for bed, but my ankle hurts and I don’t want to get up.

Well wish me luck and send me happy thoughts, hopefully I’ll snap out of this funk soon and start to enjoy the new adventure I’ve embarked on.

Would you like cheese with that whine?

I feel like whining… at the same time, I hate being negative. I like being a positive person, but in this case I feel so bad that I am sick of hearing myself whine, but frankly I’m at a stalemate!

I am here in Louisiana all by my lonesome. I’ve made a quick trip to Houston to hang out with my friend and her family for Thanksgiving. I came home and spent a week with my husband after not seeing him for a month. We then buzzed over to Waco to hang with some other friends for the weekend. The hubby left to go home to KC from there. It was hard to drive away from him.

I’m learning that the new insurance I have completely sucks and everything is astronomically priced now… Did I mention that I had to take a paycut to take this job? So that coupled with the cost of my insurance going through the roof I am about to pull my hair out because it’s like grrr…

So today is the first day back after vacation, so of course it sucked. My hourly rate has been cut, so I have to work twice as long to make the same amount of money I did in KC. My insurance premiums have tripled, plus the deductible has also tripled so things aren’t getting covered anymore. I haven’t made any friends other than my neighbor Deb but she has some habits that prevent her from hanging out so… what do I do? I mean seriously? Ok I’m done with the whine, so now on to the cheese…