Category Archives: Uncategorized

Strange Choices

I know I haven’t written in a while, it’s been a crazy transition. My schedule is insane, I’m working twice as hard to maintain the same paycheck… I’m all by my lonesome and my boss loves to take advantage of that.

I was just thinking that for someone (I’m referring to myself) who is seriously afraid of being alone, the reasons behind that are for another day. But anyway, I’m afraid of being alone with no friends, no family, no man… And despite that fear, I married a field service engineer. For the last 2 years he’s only been home Friday night, Saturday & Sunday. Usually he’s so exhausted then when he gets home on Friday night, he falls asleep within the hour. Now that I’ve moved to Louisiana by myself, I see my husband maybe once a month and if I’m lucky for more than 2 days, but usually not even that long. I’ve started referring to him as my Army Reserves husband, you know? One weekend a month and 2 weeks out of the year. We chuckled, but honestly that’s more true than not.

I thought that I wasn’t afraid of change, but it turns out that it’s harder than I thought. When I lost my job in KC, I was devastated, but I was elated to find this job in Louisiana because it killed 2 birds with one stone, I was able to keep my job at AT&T and I was getting out of the rut that is Kansas City. But now that I’m out of Kansas City, I miss my friends, family and even the job that I had. Especially since there is a person from my old office who has managed to keep her position. It’s a weird story that would be hard to explain here. But it makes me jealous that she is continuing to get paid, to do our old job. Because of her issues, she will probably not get a job offer, therefore allowing her to stay. If I had tried that I would’ve been offered a job I didn’t want thereby negating my ability to stay there… It doesn’t make me feel better, but again I ask did I have any other choice?

I had no idea that as a person who fears being alone, I’ve made choices that make me alone more than anyone I know. I will say that all this alone time, I’m starting to get used to it. But I still get lonely almost daily, I lay in my bed and wish that my husband was with me. When he moves down here, at least I’ll go back to seeing him on the weekends…

So keep your fingers crossed that they find my hubby’s replacement and he’s able to move to Louisiana so he can move back in with me.

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Holidays…

The holidays have arrived! Today is Christmas Day. I just got home from Little Rock, AR. I drove up there Friday night to spend the weekend and Christmas Day with my husband who I hadn’t seen since Thanksgiving. We stayed in a hotel, for 3 days and frankly it lacked the holiday cheer and/or spirit. We ventured out one day to watch a movie and it was a zoo!!! We were both a little cranky that day so the evening didn’t end well, but otherwise everything was ok.

Christmas Eve came and we spent the afternoon and evening watching every horrible Christmas movie we could find on Netflix. This morning hubby wanted to leave early, so he set an alarm and woke up unbearably early… He proceeded to cook me breakfast. It was very sweet. We ended up watching 1 last horrible movie and left a little later than we planned. Each time we get together, I love it. Each time we have to leave, it tears me up. I’m not cut out for long distance relationships. As it is I’ve been teasing my husband that because of his job I’m a “reserves” wife. You know the commercial for the Army reserves? One weekend a month and 2 weeks a year? Well since his job is so busy, he’s gone Monday through Friday and I only get to see him on weekends, prior to the move. Which equates to 1 week a month. So I get 12 weeks out of the year with my husband. Now because of the move and the fact his company is making him stay in KC till a replacement is found, I don’t even get the 1 week a month with him. It’s tearing me up, let me tell you. Now that holidays are pretty much over when will I get to see my hubby?

It’s pretty lonely down here, my boss is taking advantage of the fact that the hubby hasn’t moved yet… So I’ve been working a lot of OT. Next month is my birthday, hubby has a work meeting in Miami that weekend, so I’m going to fly out & meet him… Beyond that there isn’t any holidays coming up that we can use to get together. I’m starting to panic a little.

I will say this, I at least made it through this Christmas without my kids and my other friends and family. I did FaceTime my youngest granddaughter and the funniest thing was her being shy with a phone. My oldest granddaughter has the flu and she was asleep so I didn’t get to FaceTime her, maybe tomorrow.

I just want to say Merry Christmas to everyone and I hope everyone had a happy holiday.

Nightmares…

I hate nightmares, but then again who likes them? I was having a bad dream, thankfully I was awakened by my full bladder. Why is it that when you’re having the best dream ever, you never remember it? And if it’s interrupted you can’t go back to it? But as in the case of this nightmare, it’s playing on a loop in my head and is in past experience as soon as I lay back down, the nightmare will pick up right where it left off?

So here I am at 5:30 a.m. on a Sunday sitting in bed, blogging about nightmares, in the hopes to dissipate the bad feelings I’m having and also hopefully allowing myself the luxury of going back to sleep momentarily and not starting right back up where I left off. My Lord, was that what they call a run on sentence?

I’m very tired, my eyes are full of “sleep” you know the goop that develops in yours eyes. And I’m hoping that using my tablet won’t wake me up enough to not go back to sleep. I wonder why the good is so hard to attain and the bad so easy to retain?I mean seriously?

Is this the equivalent of telling mommy all about it? I wouldn’t know because my mom died when I was 7 and my Grandmother would not tolerate getting woke up in the middle of the night, so after my mom died if I woke up scared in the middle of the night I didn’t have anyone to go to I would literally sit shaking in my bed, till I fell back to sleep.

Well hopfully this works, good night.

Sprained ankle…

I can’t believe it! I was walking downstairs, yes in my RV I have an upstairs. But I digress, I was walking downstairs and stepped on my shoes and rolled my ankle. Normally as someone who works in an office you would think that it’s not a big deal, but at my new job the call center is huge and my job requires me to run back and forth (sigh).

Also I now live in southern Louisiana about 20 miles from the Gulf of Mexico and can you believe the temps are going to drop down to freezing and they are talking about snow flurries on Friday!!! I mean seriously? I couldv’e stayed in KC for this type of weather.

It’s cold and rainy, my ankle hurts and I’m seriously low on propane, hopefully I won’t run out before this weekend, otherwise I’m going to have depend on the space heaters for heat. Ugh! I need to beat the negativity out of myself! I am in a new place, new people to meet, new places to go so why am I so tired & depressed? I can’t see after dark and since it gets dark at 4:30 it cuts my exploring time in half… I’m waiting for the 21st of this month so I can go to the eye doctor, hopefully someone new will be able to help me so I can see after dark.

Also I tried to buy Louisiana t-shirts in the local Wal-Mart and there was not 1 local t-shirt to be found??? I mean every other Wal-Mart I’ve ever been in has the local sports teams at the least. Then I tried on Amazon, found my hubby a football shirt that I am considering buying for a Christmas gift, but I was also looking for souvenir t-shirts for my granddaughters but nope nothing! Jeez!

Well my current dilemma is Christmas. I’ve been talking to my hubby and he’s been talking about meeting halfway between Lafayette and KC and moving more stuff down to LA. Then doing the same thing on New Year’s Eve as well. But my friend in Houston wants me to come and spend Christmas with them. I only have a miniscule amount of vacation left till the end of the year. But I also have FMLA I just haven’t dared to use it because I’m in a new position, well that’s another story for another time, I need to take a shower and get ready for bed, but my ankle hurts and I don’t want to get up.

Well wish me luck and send me happy thoughts, hopefully I’ll snap out of this funk soon and start to enjoy the new adventure I’ve embarked on.

Would you like cheese with that whine?

I feel like whining… at the same time, I hate being negative. I like being a positive person, but in this case I feel so bad that I am sick of hearing myself whine, but frankly I’m at a stalemate!

I am here in Louisiana all by my lonesome. I’ve made a quick trip to Houston to hang out with my friend and her family for Thanksgiving. I came home and spent a week with my husband after not seeing him for a month. We then buzzed over to Waco to hang with some other friends for the weekend. The hubby left to go home to KC from there. It was hard to drive away from him.

I’m learning that the new insurance I have completely sucks and everything is astronomically priced now… Did I mention that I had to take a paycut to take this job? So that coupled with the cost of my insurance going through the roof I am about to pull my hair out because it’s like grrr…

So today is the first day back after vacation, so of course it sucked. My hourly rate has been cut, so I have to work twice as long to make the same amount of money I did in KC. My insurance premiums have tripled, plus the deductible has also tripled so things aren’t getting covered anymore. I haven’t made any friends other than my neighbor Deb but she has some habits that prevent her from hanging out so… what do I do? I mean seriously? Ok I’m done with the whine, so now on to the cheese…

Sunday…

It’s Sunday morning, I’m sitting in my recliner, watching Transformers. Yes I love the Transformer movies. The camper is messy, I need to clean. I’m looking around from my perch on the recliner, mentally making my chore day to do list. I have every reason to get up and get moving. My body hurts, it’s Sunday and I’m the only one here. It’s chilly, so I have my fireplace on & sending out heat. I’m snuggled under my owl blanket and even though I slept like the dead I’m tired. I know I’m depressed because I’m alone in a new city.

My anxiety level is off the charts, my exhaustion knows no boundaries and my new job is sucking the life out of me. Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching, which means that my husband is coming. Hopefully he’ll be here on Thursday, but more than likely not till Friday. I haven’t seen him for month. I have learned the hard way that I’m not cut out for long distance relationships. I need to see my husband at least once a week.

My friend was supposed to come out from Houston this weekend, but she cancelled because of her health issues. She wanted me to come to her, but I just couldn’t get it up. I hemmed and hawed making excuses. Now I feel bad because I do want to see her and this is the first time in 20 years I’ve lived this close to her.

Well I guess I should get my to do list put together and get up off my aching butt and see about getting stuff done.

Conflicted emotions

It’s Saturday and I’m sitting at home. I’ve only ventured out today to get my legs waxed… I had a run in with Directv tech this morning, it’s amazing to me when people ignore you and don’t listen.

I live in an RV, which makes getting satellite service unique because I have an RV dish but DirecTv provides the service. Since I’ve moved to Louisiana I haven’t been able to access local channels on my dish. The 2nd tech came out and because I have an RV dish he was blowing off the call, I advised him I didn’t need him to fix the dish, the dish was fine. I tried to explain what the problem was but he kept referencing the dish. He was claiming that he couldn’t help me & that I need to contact the company that installed the service. I looked him square in the face and told him that DirecTv installed the service!!! Grrr, needless to say I asked him to leave and I called DirecTv and spoke with a 4th rep who finally listened and while I don’t have local channels for Louisiana, I have local channels for Houston, TX which I am totally ok with…

I’ve done a few chores today, but not a whole lot I feel like a slug! I need to bring in my sewing machine and work on my Grandma’s quilt, but the thought of getting up is a lot of effort. Plus I’m upset with my hubby, sometimes he does stupid things, he’s human right? But does he have to do crap on purpose? And because he feels like he didn’t do anything wrong, even though he’s upset me he refuses to apologize even though if the shoe was on the other foot, he would get upset with me.

And I drive myself crazy with my level of paranoia at my job. My boss sends me an email asking if I forwarded this particular email? Why this makes my stomach drop and get upset? I mean for crying out loud! My boss has already told me that I am learning my job and she wants me to do well. So why am I so afraid? Why am I driving myself crazy? Am I that big of scaredy cat? I mean seriously!

So basically I’ve become a hermit over the last week… I’m terrified at my job (although that’s getting better, because I talked to my boss last week) and I’m lonely as hell because my husband is still in KC. Well anyway…

Homesick…

When you are getting ready to relocate it’s all about the excitement.  A new place, new people, it’s an adventure.  What usually gets over looked are the simple things.  You miss your friends and family deeply.  You can’t even go to the grocery store without your GPS.  Everything is NEW! Nothing is familiar.  

The roads are different, the traffic is different.  In the midwest a 6 mile drive would take 5 minutes at best.  Here? Well I’m glad you asked a 9 mile drive with basic traffic takes 20 minutes!!!  No matter where you are going it’s probably going to be less than 10 miles but will take you no less than 20 minutes to get there.  Also the drivers down here are scary!!!  I mean I have been here 8 days in total and not once have I not been terrified by the actions of another driver when I’ve been out and about.

I called my husband tonight and I was so upset about work and so homesick, I just started sobbing.  I have been at my job for 4 days but have managed to make a mistake that I probably wouldn’t have made, had I a little more time under my belt.  So I sobbed and belly ached, I actually just wanted to go home to KC and ride out the surplus regardless of what happened.  I’d rather lose my job and start over than stay here another day.  Of course in reality that’s not going to happen, but at that moment if someone said I could go home, I would have.

I know that in time things will get better, but right in this moment it doesn’t feel that way.  I’m exhausted, I’ve had a headache for 3 days, my stomach has been in distress for about 3 weeks now, you can imagine what other bodily functions that’s affecting (I’ll let you use your imaginations).  I would just like my life to return to some form normalcy.

The eagle has landed…

I am now living in the land of hurricanes and alligators.  We arrived after a hellish move on Sunday night.  This my 2nd day at my new job.  I’m already exhausted and fighting a headache.  Luckily my boss is in her office on a conference call so I’m able to get a quick word in here.

I’ve been exhausted since I have arrived no matter what I can’t seem to get caught on my rest.  My hubby has gone back to KC, now normally that wouldn’t be a big deal because he travels so much, but knowing he won’t be home Friday night makes me very sad.

I’ve been running errands and laying on my bed so I haven’t really met anyone that I could possibly be friends with.  Plus my boss has stated she wants me to keep a professional distance in the office to ensure that nothing slips via the bonds of friendship.  I get what she means but really? I just moved here so I have no outside friends or life. (sigh)

I haven’t even so much as picked up a skein of yarn or crochet hook.  I haven’t set up my sewing machine that’s how tired and down in the dumps I’ve been.  I have 2 quilts that need binding to complete & I have several crochet projects that need to be completed before Christmas.  Plus right now I’m typing on an ergonomic keyboard, which I hate.  I also have an ergonomic chair, which I can’t figure out how to lower so I’m constantly banging my knees and thighs on the desk.

To top everything off, we forgot to clean out the fridge, so all the food inside went rancid and we can’t get the smell out of the fridge!!!  I so totally thank AT&T right now for downsizing my job and turning my life upside down all in the name of keeping my pension I worked over 20 years for.  THANK YOU!

This is it!

Well this is my last day in Kansas City.  I’m sitting at work doing nothing, I refuse to work on my last day!  My co-workers made a potluck lunch for me, they even got a huge chocolate cake with an I Miss You message written on it.

I’ve spent this week saying good bye to friends and family.  At first I thought it would be ok because I don’t see hardly anyone I know every day.  In this day and age it’s all about cell phones, Facebook etc.  But in reality, the goodbyes have been hard, I find myself tearing up after each and every one.  I’ve lived in Kansas City since 1986.  We won’t do the math because that would be just another reason to cry.  Ha ha!

Even sitting here at my desk, thinking about my work peeps…  It hurts.  My daughter was supposed to come up for lunch one last time, but she’s not feeling very good so…  I can feel the tears sitting in my heart just waiting to start the slow trickle down my face.

My stomach hurts because I’ve been so stressed this week.  Today is the day that the loose ends start to get done and off my list.  Yes the infamous list! I’ve got so many going right now, it makes my brain hurt and my eyes water.  The icing on the cake is the weather is turning crappy and we really don’t have the time to deal with it before we leave, but we have to so the camper being left behind for my hubby to stay in doesn’t freeze up.

My tummy is churning, my heart is hurting and my eyes are watering.  My next entry will be from my new home in Louisiana.  Let the good times roll!