Sunday…

It’s Sunday morning, I’m sitting in my recliner, watching Transformers. Yes I love the Transformer movies. The camper is messy, I need to clean. I’m looking around from my perch on the recliner, mentally making my chore day to do list. I have every reason to get up and get moving. My body hurts, it’s Sunday and I’m the only one here. It’s chilly, so I have my fireplace on & sending out heat. I’m snuggled under my owl blanket and even though I slept like the dead I’m tired. I know I’m depressed because I’m alone in a new city.

My anxiety level is off the charts, my exhaustion knows no boundaries and my new job is sucking the life out of me. Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching, which means that my husband is coming. Hopefully he’ll be here on Thursday, but more than likely not till Friday. I haven’t seen him for month. I have learned the hard way that I’m not cut out for long distance relationships. I need to see my husband at least once a week.

My friend was supposed to come out from Houston this weekend, but she cancelled because of her health issues. She wanted me to come to her, but I just couldn’t get it up. I hemmed and hawed making excuses. Now I feel bad because I do want to see her and this is the first time in 20 years I’ve lived this close to her.

Well I guess I should get my to do list put together and get up off my aching butt and see about getting stuff done.

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Conflicted emotions

It’s Saturday and I’m sitting at home. I’ve only ventured out today to get my legs waxed… I had a run in with Directv tech this morning, it’s amazing to me when people ignore you and don’t listen.

I live in an RV, which makes getting satellite service unique because I have an RV dish but DirecTv provides the service. Since I’ve moved to Louisiana I haven’t been able to access local channels on my dish. The 2nd tech came out and because I have an RV dish he was blowing off the call, I advised him I didn’t need him to fix the dish, the dish was fine. I tried to explain what the problem was but he kept referencing the dish. He was claiming that he couldn’t help me & that I need to contact the company that installed the service. I looked him square in the face and told him that DirecTv installed the service!!! Grrr, needless to say I asked him to leave and I called DirecTv and spoke with a 4th rep who finally listened and while I don’t have local channels for Louisiana, I have local channels for Houston, TX which I am totally ok with…

I’ve done a few chores today, but not a whole lot I feel like a slug! I need to bring in my sewing machine and work on my Grandma’s quilt, but the thought of getting up is a lot of effort. Plus I’m upset with my hubby, sometimes he does stupid things, he’s human right? But does he have to do crap on purpose? And because he feels like he didn’t do anything wrong, even though he’s upset me he refuses to apologize even though if the shoe was on the other foot, he would get upset with me.

And I drive myself crazy with my level of paranoia at my job. My boss sends me an email asking if I forwarded this particular email? Why this makes my stomach drop and get upset? I mean for crying out loud! My boss has already told me that I am learning my job and she wants me to do well. So why am I so afraid? Why am I driving myself crazy? Am I that big of scaredy cat? I mean seriously!

So basically I’ve become a hermit over the last week… I’m terrified at my job (although that’s getting better, because I talked to my boss last week) and I’m lonely as hell because my husband is still in KC. Well anyway…

Homesick…

When you are getting ready to relocate it’s all about the excitement.  A new place, new people, it’s an adventure.  What usually gets over looked are the simple things.  You miss your friends and family deeply.  You can’t even go to the grocery store without your GPS.  Everything is NEW! Nothing is familiar.  

The roads are different, the traffic is different.  In the midwest a 6 mile drive would take 5 minutes at best.  Here? Well I’m glad you asked a 9 mile drive with basic traffic takes 20 minutes!!!  No matter where you are going it’s probably going to be less than 10 miles but will take you no less than 20 minutes to get there.  Also the drivers down here are scary!!!  I mean I have been here 8 days in total and not once have I not been terrified by the actions of another driver when I’ve been out and about.

I called my husband tonight and I was so upset about work and so homesick, I just started sobbing.  I have been at my job for 4 days but have managed to make a mistake that I probably wouldn’t have made, had I a little more time under my belt.  So I sobbed and belly ached, I actually just wanted to go home to KC and ride out the surplus regardless of what happened.  I’d rather lose my job and start over than stay here another day.  Of course in reality that’s not going to happen, but at that moment if someone said I could go home, I would have.

I know that in time things will get better, but right in this moment it doesn’t feel that way.  I’m exhausted, I’ve had a headache for 3 days, my stomach has been in distress for about 3 weeks now, you can imagine what other bodily functions that’s affecting (I’ll let you use your imaginations).  I would just like my life to return to some form normalcy.

The eagle has landed…

I am now living in the land of hurricanes and alligators.  We arrived after a hellish move on Sunday night.  This my 2nd day at my new job.  I’m already exhausted and fighting a headache.  Luckily my boss is in her office on a conference call so I’m able to get a quick word in here.

I’ve been exhausted since I have arrived no matter what I can’t seem to get caught on my rest.  My hubby has gone back to KC, now normally that wouldn’t be a big deal because he travels so much, but knowing he won’t be home Friday night makes me very sad.

I’ve been running errands and laying on my bed so I haven’t really met anyone that I could possibly be friends with.  Plus my boss has stated she wants me to keep a professional distance in the office to ensure that nothing slips via the bonds of friendship.  I get what she means but really? I just moved here so I have no outside friends or life. (sigh)

I haven’t even so much as picked up a skein of yarn or crochet hook.  I haven’t set up my sewing machine that’s how tired and down in the dumps I’ve been.  I have 2 quilts that need binding to complete & I have several crochet projects that need to be completed before Christmas.  Plus right now I’m typing on an ergonomic keyboard, which I hate.  I also have an ergonomic chair, which I can’t figure out how to lower so I’m constantly banging my knees and thighs on the desk.

To top everything off, we forgot to clean out the fridge, so all the food inside went rancid and we can’t get the smell out of the fridge!!!  I so totally thank AT&T right now for downsizing my job and turning my life upside down all in the name of keeping my pension I worked over 20 years for.  THANK YOU!

This is it!

Well this is my last day in Kansas City.  I’m sitting at work doing nothing, I refuse to work on my last day!  My co-workers made a potluck lunch for me, they even got a huge chocolate cake with an I Miss You message written on it.

I’ve spent this week saying good bye to friends and family.  At first I thought it would be ok because I don’t see hardly anyone I know every day.  In this day and age it’s all about cell phones, Facebook etc.  But in reality, the goodbyes have been hard, I find myself tearing up after each and every one.  I’ve lived in Kansas City since 1986.  We won’t do the math because that would be just another reason to cry.  Ha ha!

Even sitting here at my desk, thinking about my work peeps…  It hurts.  My daughter was supposed to come up for lunch one last time, but she’s not feeling very good so…  I can feel the tears sitting in my heart just waiting to start the slow trickle down my face.

My stomach hurts because I’ve been so stressed this week.  Today is the day that the loose ends start to get done and off my list.  Yes the infamous list! I’ve got so many going right now, it makes my brain hurt and my eyes water.  The icing on the cake is the weather is turning crappy and we really don’t have the time to deal with it before we leave, but we have to so the camper being left behind for my hubby to stay in doesn’t freeze up.

My tummy is churning, my heart is hurting and my eyes are watering.  My next entry will be from my new home in Louisiana.  Let the good times roll!

Almost…

Well last week, my friend and I made a 3 day run from Kansas City to Lafayette, Louisiana to New Orleans and back.  Went down and found an RV park to park my trailer in.  Met my new boss and toured my new office.  Then the friend and I went to New Orleans had a little bit of fun, then came back to Lafayette and then drove 14 straight hours back home to KC.

Now I am a mere 3 days away from leaving KC for a at least a year if not longer.  My brain is bouncing off the walls.  My stomach is in a constant state of upheaval. I am dreading the drive down.  It’s 12 hours in a car, it’s usually a few more hours tacked on towing the RV.  Plus once I move down there, the hubby has to come back to KC and hopefully, hopefully he’ll be able to move down at the end of November.

I’ve lived in the midwest since 1986 and while I globe hopped before then I haven’t since and I’m a little nervous.  The adventure part is exciting the leaving of family and friends for the unknown is scary!!!  I find myself tearing up at the slightest revelation of things that I’m going to be missing.  For instance, my children while they are adults and have been out of the nest for a while, but we still live in the same city, so I’m having doubts  about leaving them.  I’ve been in my granddaughters lives since they day they were born and the thought of not being able to drop in and give them hugs and kisses and little presents, hurts my heart.  Also my oldest granddaughter has a blood deficiency and while she’s getting plasma treatments Iris the youngest grandbaby would come and hang out with me.

It’s all about the tears right now…  Cramming in every spare moment with goodbyes from family and friends.  In fact tonight going to hang out with my oldest granddaughter.

When it rains, it pours

I’ve got 2 weeks before I’m picking up my life and moving from Kansas City, Missouri to Lafayette, Louisiana to start my new job.  So I’m trying to sort out what goes, and what’s getting donated and whats getting rid of.  Now is NOT the time for my crown to break off!  But it did, so went to the dentist yesterday to have the remains of the tooth pulled and he wasn’t confident so have to go to an oral surgeon.

Now over the summer, I started my period again.  I had a procedure done several years ago that stopped the menstrual bleeding.  Most women I know would jump in happiness regarding that.  Well my lining has grown back and it’s not good.  So I’ve been pushing for a hysterectomy, but of course with insurance and doctors I had to jump through the hoops.  Well right as that got started then the layoff happened, which means I couldn’t have the surgery because of that.  The last couple of weeks have been pure hell and now that I’m going to a new job, I can’t exactly go on disability for 6 weeks to have the surgery now.  So what do I do? I mean seriously?   I can’t deal with these “lady” problems not at this level anyway, but yet I literally don’t have the time to do it, because now that I have a new job, why not try & get it done before I leave? But how I am supposed to get everything done in the next 2 weeks if I’ve just had surgery?

Plus I’m just scared and excited!  I’m sad to be leaving my friends and even though my kids are grown and out of the house, I’ve never left them before.  I know people everyday live states away from their parents and family, but honestly I’ve never lived away from family that I was close to.

Changes!

Well 2 weeks from today I start my new job! I got a small promotion, although its a paycut, but I still have a job.  Now to clarify that completely confusing statement.  In September we were informed that our office is closing and if we could not find another job within the company we would be out of a job.

The prospects were bleak, because we were not the first round of people to be laid off.  So all of the available jobs had been snatched up.  Never the less, I would continue to look at the management positions they were hiring for and also checking to see if any non management positions had opened up.  On a lark I had put in for Personal Admin job in Louisiana.  It was a long shot but I was like, hey it’ll keep me in a job.  I thought I would be at my same paygrade but I was wrong.  The Director that needed the Admin calls me on Friday, does a quick interview over the phone and promptly offers me the job.  She calls back and states that she can’t keep me at the same salary because the job tops out at less pay.  I called the hubby we held a quick confab via phone and decided I’d take the job.  So I’m moving to Louisiana baby!

We took the 5th wheel to the trailer repair place to handle the axles, and the hubby and I are staying in the truck camper while it’s being repaired.  I am going to make a quick trip down to my new home to find a place to live and then come home and the hubby will drive me and camper down to our new home…

The hubby will try and transfer down with his current company, if he can’t then he’ll come once he’s found a new job.  But right at this moment I’m excited and scared out of my wits!!!

Anxiety

I’m sitting here with severe heart palpitations.  I’ve been needing to write something because my stomach is full of knots and butterflies.  I have been at this job for 21 years and I don’t know what to do.  I have until December 13th, if I can manage to find another job within the company.  The prospects aren’t looking good.  Oh dear Lord, I can’t even write a complete sentence, I’m in a choppy, hormonal mode.

Ok I’ve been what’s called surplussed, I have 90 days to find another job within the company.  If nothing comes up, then I get a severance check and sent on my way.  The hubby keeps trying to keep my spirits up, but since he’s gone 5 days out of 7 there is quite the lag.  Per HR, there are no non management positions available in the metro area.  I’ve been applying for both management and non management titles, but…  nothing so far.  I’ve also been reaching out to other states, I’m willing to relocate but not holding my breath.

I’m also still on the hormones the doctor put me on, despite my request not to.  So I’m hot flashing at least once a day.  I stayed on it, because the doctor assured me that the symptoms would abate, they haven’t.  Also they were supposed to stop my periods, they haven’t.  So I don’t even know where to go from here, regarding that…  I don’t know where to go regarding my job…  And finally the heart palpitations have eased off.  So basically my day consists of me sitting in front of spreadsheet that is staring at me hypocritically, while sweating like a whore in church at my desk, while I’m sitting in the middle of my period.

Last but not least, for some reason my daughter won’t respond to my calls and/or texts.  I do not even know why…  Please someone take me out of my misery.

T.V. Family

I am a little behind the times, I am only now starting to watch the Gilmore Girls.  It’s a good show and I love binge watching on Netflix.  I’ve always appreciated the T.V. Family.  What I mean by that is the teenage pregnancy that has the perfect babies that make it look so easy to have a baby.  The perfect relationships between the mothers and daughters.  The fact that no matter what the issue serious or angry is completely all good in 30 minutes or less.

My daughter and I basically get along because we know what hot buttons to avoid.  But I see the Gilmore Girls and wish that we had that easy go lucky relationship.  I love the shows that aren’t reality these days, but they make me sad.  I would love to have a relationship like on Gilmore Girls.  I’d love to have the manly men of Sons of Anarchy or the hunky doctors off of Grey’s Anatomy.  Also I love the shows regarding the magic you know like Charmed…  Am I dating myself? But I really like the idea of summoning my mother who passed away when I was only 7.

Ok enough of the morbid thoughts.  I am going to enjoy watching Gilmore Girls which I consider my dirty little pleasure.